Tool 4.2 from The Art of Wellness Toolkit: Social Savvy
There’s something I hear quite often in my therapy room.
“I’m around people… but I feel disconnected.”
It’s usually said with hesitation, almost as if it doesn’t quite make sense. On the surface, there are social interactions happening. Work colleagues. Family. Occasional catch-ups. Maybe even group activities.
And yet something is missing.
What I’ve come to understand, both through my clients and in my own life, is that connection is not just about being around people. It’s about how we show up when we are with them.
For many of us, that is where things become complicated.
The People-Pleasing Pattern
I would describe myself as a reformed people pleaser. For a long time, I was very good at being agreeable. I could read the room, adjust my responses, keep things smooth and avoid discomfort. It worked well in many ways. People tend to like you when you are easy to be around. But there is a real cost.
When you are focused on being liked, you are not fully focused on being yourself. You filter what you say. You soften your opinions. You prioritise the other person’s comfort over your own authenticity. Over time, you can find yourself in conversations where you are participating, but not really present. And that creates a very specific kind of loneliness.
You’re not unseen by others.
You’re unseen by yourself.
Why This Has Become Harder
Since the pandemic, many people have noticed a shift in their social lives. Routines changed. Social circles became smaller. Some friendships faded. Many people became more comfortable at home and less practiced at casual interaction.
At the same time, the desire for meaningful connection increased. So we now have this interesting tension. People want deeper, more fulfilling relationships, but often feel unsure how to create them.
Part of the difficulty is that meaningful connection requires something that people-pleasing quietly avoids. It requires being known.
Being Known Requires Risk
When you meet someone new, or even when you are with familiar people, there are small moments where you can either stay safe or move slightly toward authenticity.
You can agree, or you can gently express a different view.
You can keep things surface-level, or you can share something more personal.
You can stay quiet, or you can initiate.
None of these are dramatic decisions, but they shape the quality of connection. If we stay in “pleasant mode” all the time, we may be liked, but we are not necessarily known. And without being known, it is very difficult to feel deeply connected. This is where social savvy becomes important.
It is not about being more impressive or more outgoing. It is about being present enough to notice what is happening in yourself and in the other person, and responding in a way that allows genuine connection to form.
Finding Your People Takes Effort
Another reality that many people struggle with is this:
Finding people you genuinely connect with often takes time and effort. It is not always immediate. It is not always convenient. And it rarely happens if we stay in the same routines. I often encourage clients to build connections around shared interests, not as a strategy, but as a starting point.
This might look like joining a class, a group, or a community that reflects something you genuinely enjoy. For me, that has included yoga groups, women’s circles, art communities, the gym and dance spaces. These environments create natural opportunities for interaction because there is already something in common.
But even then, connection doesn’t just appear.
Someone has to stay after the class.
Someone has to start a conversation.
Someone has to suggest a coffee.
Sometimes, that someone has to be you.
The Balance Between Effort and Self-Respect
There is, however, an important balance. Putting effort into connection is healthy. Chasing connection at the expense of your self-worth is not. Many people swing between these two extremes. Either they hold back completely, waiting for others to initiate, or they overextend, investing heavily in relationships that are not reciprocated.
Social savvy involves noticing this pattern. It asks:
Is this relationship mutual?
Do I feel more like myself around this person, or less?
Is effort flowing both ways?
Your nervous system often gives you the answer long before your mind does.
A More Honest Way of Connecting
What I have learned over time is that meaningful connection is less about saying the right thing and more about allowing yourself to be slightly more real.
Not everything needs to be shared. Not every interaction needs depth. But if all of your interactions are managed, filtered and carefully controlled, connection will remain surface-level.
There is a quiet courage in being a little more visible.
In expressing a preference.
In sharing an interest.
In letting someone see a small part of who you actually are.
That is often where connection begins.
A Reflection on Connection
If you’ve been feeling disconnected, it may not be because there are no people around you. It may be worth asking:
Am I giving people a chance to know me?
And just as importantly:
Am I choosing environments where my people are likely to be?
Connection is not entirely within our control, but how we show up plays a significant role. And like most meaningful things in life, it requires a bit of intention.
If you relate to people-pleasing, what has helped you start showing up more authentically in your relationships? Comment below.
Warmly,
Popi Iatrou
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